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life
#1
It's been a while

In general, my life right now is alright. Work isn't very challenging or interesting, but it's a good job for a couple months and it's going well. I appreciate my friends and family a lot more. Not that I didn't appreciate them before, but I always felt like I might drive them away when I would tell them the truth (if you don't know what I'm talking about and want to know, http://forums.acidch.at/showthread.php?tid=6788 ). 

Then there's my mental problems and the underlying question of what I'm going to study next year. I started some kind of coaching sessions which are supposed to help me with my anxiety and possible other mental blocks/issues. While I'm only at the start of it, I feel like it already helped me identify in a general sense what kind of mental blocks I have. Got another session in a week where we're more going into the possible origins of those mental blocks and trying to explain why these mental blocks shouldn't be there so to speak.

I also did a test which was specifically to find out what I should study next year, and this is probably the main reason I made this blogs. The results weren't surprising, but they were quite overwhelming and while I've dealt with them a little bit already, I hope typing it out will help me give it a place even more.

The tests consisted of several different tests, all combined it took me around 6 hours to complete. The tests were all tools to find out where my interests lie, what my capacities are when it comes to learning and understanding things, and personality traits which are also detrimental in the whole picture.

My capacities were high. That's not bragging or anything, they just were. He compared my score to other university prospects and I was in the top 4% for three of the major sections and above average in seven of the nine sections, the other two being at the high side of average scores. I should be going to university if you look just at this part of the test.

While interests is an important part of determining what kind of study I should follow, we didn't talk about it much because it was pretty clear. I love logical thinking, computer science and mathematics. The only other interests I showed were music and art, but I don't think I really want to pursue a career in that, I just want it as a hobby.

Then the personality traits, the big one that really effected me a lot since yesterday. It was so strange how 6 hours of testing can give a result in so many different personality traits that are so accurate. Low motivation and self-discipline, high negative anxiety, lots of ideas in my head but not the willpower or ability to get or let it out there. 

idk why I'm sharing this. I just felt so broken for the remainder of the day yesterday. I knew about all those personality traits they pinpointed, but just seeing it lied out like that was a whole different confrontation. It's just such a shitty feeling knowing what is 'wrong' with me, but feeling like it's so difficult to change it. At the same time, it does make me want to work on it even more; I really am set on doing the best I can at the coaching sessions. While my self-discipline is low, if I really want to go for something, I'll make sure I get it done. Just like I lost weight last year, I need to find that same energy and use it for this. Hopefully in a couple of months I can use that energy without needing to dig so deep as I feel like I need to dig now.

As for next schoolyear, I'm in such a tough spot right now. Registrations for Dutch studies have closed and I only applied for colleges, but it feels like such a waste of a year to go to a college, as I feel like I have the ability to go to a university and I don't want to constantly aim for (below) mediocre like I've pretty much done all my life. There is still the possibility of studying in Belgium, but I do need to go live on my own and finances also come into play then. I'm also very bad at making initial contact with people and becoming isolated there seems very counterproductive for me.

If you've read this far, holy shit. Thank you. I'm not really asking for any comments or reactions, but if you feel like saying something, even if it's negative, please go ahead
Working on a better future
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All kinds of shitty music: https://soundcloud.com/jomumusic
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#2
I think even the fact that you're being thoughtful and honest about all this is commendable. You'll be fine.
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#3
Knowing exactly what's wrong is the first step towards fixing it. Good luck; you'll be fine.
If you need to contact me for any reason, or if you have any questions, concerns, problems or requests, message me here or email me at aaaaaa123456789@acidch.at.

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#4
Hi, Dutany!

That really does sound overwhelming, but even though you may have so many mental blocks and weaknesses, it's pretty prevalent that (by what you're saying in your post) you have a lot of strengths as well, and those should not be ignored. You're not the type of person that will give up, and that I believe you will push forwards to break the box that you are concealed in. Everyone has their faults that need to be improved on and that's just who we are. Some people let those bring them down, but just keep working on bettering yourself, and more importantly, keep people around that will support you, and you will be fine.

Wish you luck.
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#5
Honestly, I think its very brave of you to take on this struggle head on and refusing to aim at mediocrity. I am struggling with what I want to do with my life as well, its not easy to aim high.

Best of luck man, I believe you are headed in the right direction even if the path is riddled with uncertainty. Your mindset seems good and often that's where it all begins.
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#6
It's great that you're being honest about all this with others and a fortiori with yourself. Facing the issues instead of ignoring them is what you seem to be doing, and that's great.

Procrastinating has been a big issue for some of my friends; for me as well; I think it is particularly high among our generation. Be aware of that, and work towards removing every source that distracts you from working towards your goals. The amount of frustration I got from being so easily distracted from apps, video games and the like, and consequently not doing anything new or productive, convinced me to stop watching videos and playing video games. It can be pretty boring, removing all that stuff, when you aren't even particularly busy to begin with, but it's also an opportunity to hang out with friends more, go outside more often, do sport, music, drawing, and the like.

I know it's not all that simple, and there's more to it than "those pesky video games and iPhones", but my point is, I guess, to identify whatever has a negative impact in your life, and eradicate it. Especially if you kept it out of boredom. As you said, you do not want to content yourself with mediocrity. Thus do not content yourself with activities "to kill time" either ; time goes sufficiently quickly already. Do new stuff all the time ! That's a good way of not falling into vicious cycles.
Maybe find a common hoby with a friend or start a new project? Getting oneself busy usually removes most bad habits.

All the best,
ilraon
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