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#1
There just seems to be more and more thoughts constantly running through my head. I think about what i should be doing instead of doing it. I think of the good and bads the day that brought to me, and somehow i keep my focus on the bad. Things constantly happen to me, and i get the "oh god what did i do to deserve this". 
I feel like i cant keep my emotions and thoughts under control, and the fact that i cant keep myself under control makes me feel like i cant control the shit around me. I'm inherently lazy. I'm trying to break the cycle, and i thought i was in a good enough place to stop taking my medicine for depression, but i feel like i just came down and its very difficult to come back up. its the end of the year, and im very sick of it.

 My grandparents put one of their dogs down. They go to the vet to try and see what was wrong with her, got told it could be a variety of things, decided that it was too expensive to find out what was really wrong, and put her down. Ever since then I have had moral dilemmas flying around in my head. There was a sister left behind. We got these dogs from a weird breeder far away. Were they inbred? Did they have health problems because of them? I dont know why my grandparents went that route anyway, because as im older i would have def vouched for some shelter dogs. Only the one that  was put down was mostly skinny her whole life. My grandparents said they paid 600 dollars to find out that she had liver and kidney problems, but never decided to figure out WHAT kind of problems and how to solve them. They were just like. "eh". Until one night we all of a sudden had a swollen, enlarged lower stomach and was still skin and bones everywhere else. And the rest is history. I cant stop thinking-- did we give her a life that she wanted to live? Was she happy the way her standard of living and treatment from my grandparents? Did they do everything they could for her? No for the last question. I cant stop and think how they weren't necessarily upset at her death, probably more like a breath of fresh air.

 I have also never truly accompanied myself with loss. I feel like im in this point of actually having the time to think for myself and what i want to think about, and shit is rough. I've spent most of my teen years distracted by social media, on my phone yadda yadda. Nothing with actual charm to my personality and anything that helps me grow into a better person. And i feel like i cant help but take things in life one at a time. High school was just about getting through that shit. Getting a job was to get away from the house. I know i wouldnt even be able to go to college, have a part time job, study all the time, try to party yadda yadda. I would have to go and FOCUS on an education ONLY. But the way things work nowadays its just entirely impossible to do that (for someone like me, anyway). It's incredibly stressful to have a work life balance, and i cant seem to find that balance because i get overwhelmed and shut down into what i have always known, my phone and the videos which will make all the stress and the thought of the future melt away. But thats just procrastination and as the Spanish proverb goes: tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week


This is where i have been trying to learn about self discipline and how to overcome my habits and mind to pursue a better future that will make me happier and do what i say i want to do instead of just thinking about it. However putting youself into action as you have been used to being idle for so long, and not knowing what youre going to odo with your life and future, and if you want to move out but with no way to support yourself in a state that you need to make 100,000 dollars a year to live confortably, Things seem uneasy. And i feel like that is also because i constantly look at the bad things. "oh, if i get a house by myself i wont be able to afford that, and my way of living will be so subpar i would rather die anyway. If i get a house with other people, i will constantly be disappointed by others who cant do their own shit, so i wouldn't be happy with anyone else anyway. My brother used to live in this very shoddy studio apartment which was cool i guess but its just one of those things where you know its infested with mold and its disgusting and theres nowhere to park because its downtown and all of a sudden new problems that i had never thought up pop up and how will i be prepared? I cant deal with the tiny shit im dealing and having breakdowns over now. how the fuck am i going to handle all of that stuff? I just dont feel capable. 

I just feel like living in general as a poor person in america has always been a set up for failure, and when you look at it, why would you want to put yourself in that position? Why would i want to keep getting screwed over and over and over. Because life already feels that way and when you're by yourself, especially in the mental position im in, i feel like i couldnt handle it. Nobody can be there for me. I dont WANT anyone to be there for me. Because i have manipulated myself into thinking that why should anyone help me? Im basically a burden to anyone in my life and i should be doing this and that and yadda yadda. Why would i want to go out in the world, thats going to chew me up, spit me out, and leave me out lifeless to dry?

Maybe because i feel like i dont have enough of a steady platform to jump off of in my life. I dont want to work a weirdly houred hospitality service job that i never get enough rest for. I want something stable, and something i know that i can work with. I told my boss i wanted a solid schedule for january. Basically i only took mon- weds off to start  focusing on some digital marketing  classes im going to take. But i know just having these days off will take a load of stress off my shoulders. I can actually sleep. But not sleep too much or at different times because thats bad for you. I just want something solid, so i can feel as good as I want to feel. I've been spending most of this time out of school working, putting some in savings and buying some shit that ive gone my whole life without to make my quality of life not feel as shitty as it is. I dont spend my money on stupid expensive shit(except weed). I feel like i am a LOT smarter and responsible than those around me. But thats easy to say because i grew up in a small town. But its hard to put how i feel about myself to the test, because whenever i think something like that, I get screwed over in some way. I feel like i live in a world will i can never win, because it constantly puts me down. And thats where the saying its you against the world comes from. but god damn it where do i find the will to fight back! Its hard of me to think that everything in your head will determine where you go. If you dont decide to put the effort in, you wont get shit out (unless youre born rich, which i hate you!) 

I have nothing else to say right now.
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#2
Hey, I never did got the time to write an appropriate reply and probably won't so rather than end up doing nothing at all I'll just let you know that I read the entire thing, there may be no replies to this post but you still have people reading it
I don't have a sicknature
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